Ysabeau S. Wilce's Flora Segunda: Being the Magickal Mishaps of a Girl of Spirit, Her Glass-Gazing Sidekick, Two Ominous Butlers (One Blue), a House with Eleven Thousand Rooms, and a Red Dog
FLORA: Here I am, living in this utterly magical world of 19th century California. I mean, ~Califa~. I should be preparing for my catorcena, but unlike all the other great families who have a magical butler to take care of everything, I'm stuck taking care of the house and my crazy dad.
CRAZY DAD: AAAAAHHHHHH! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME! SWIM IN A POND OF CURRENT.
FLORA: Mum, since you're so busy being the most important military leader of our country why can't we have a butler to take care of everything and, I don't know, allow me to have a normal fucking life?
GENERAL MUM: I banished him. Bye! Take care of the dogs and the horses, and the house and your crazy dad and DO NOT TAKE THE ELEVATOR. And behave so you can be a good military like everyone in the family.
FLORA: But I want to be a Ranger.
GENERAL MUM: Bye, I have death sentences to sign. REMEMBER DO NOT TAKE THE ELEVATOR.
FLORA: Omg, I'm so tired. Fuck stairs.
FLORA: I've never been to this library before. Oh, hey, who are you?
VALEFOR: I'm your butler! OMFG WHAT ARE YOU WEARING OMG YOUR HAIR. Oh, Flora, you should have seen me in the old days. I was purple and fabulous. I had 6 stunning arms and I was 15 feet tall.
FLORA: How did you get through doors?
VALEFOR: ...Anyway. Won't you kiss me, Flora? That way I can take a bit of your ~anima~ which is your magic and lol maybe your soul.
FLORA: Will you clean the bathroom if I do?
VALEFOR: LOL SURE. NOW KISS KISS KISS!
FLORA: Are you coming on to me?
VALEFOR: LOL GIRL DID YOU MISS THE WHOLE PURPLE AND FABULOUS THING? Omg, please kiss me, I long to have shimmering purple wings again. This is not sexual, I merely mean to drain you of your very life essence.
VALEFOR: LOL NOTHING.
FLORA: Udo, you're my bff and, like me, you do not want to follow family tradition, so I'm going to confide in you. I kissed my butler and now I want to set him free so he can do his butlering thing.
UDO: Aren't I pretty? I can't even deal with how stunning I am. Have you seen my new hat pin? It keeps my wondrously plumed hat on my beautiful shiny locks of hair. Did I mention I want to be like the Dainty Pirate? Don't let the name fool you, he was straight. Probably.
FLORA: Udo, will you listen to me?! You need to come with me on adventures, so sneak out of your house tonight and let's go!
UDO: What. Flora, I can't do that. Not only can no one clearly see my handsome face at night, but also, my mother is a freak who couldn't make up her mind while being courted by triplets so she married them all. And every one of them is an army lawyer. Flora, how do you expect me to sneak past all my dads and the whole litter of siblings those freaks keep popping out because they can't stop doing the nasty?
FLORA: OMFG UDO, I'M DISAPPEARING. MY LIFE IS NOW TIED TO VALEFOR AND IF HE'S NOT RESTORED I WILL FADE AWAY. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT WHEN A PARENT WARNS YOU NOT TO DO SOMETHING DANGEROUS AND YOU DO IT, IT WILL HAVE HORRIBLE CONSEQUENCES.
UDO: OMG FLORA ARE YOU SERIOUS?! I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOU, YOU'RE MY BFF MAYBE MORE.
FLORA: Let's go to another magical butler who is rumoured to feast on the flesh of children.
UDO: Ok, I'll try to sneak out. I just have to time it so my freak parents are getting it on, which should be all hours of the day.
PAIMON: Welcome, welcome, tender children! Please ignore my hat which barely obscures my horned bestial head. Allow me to fatten you up.
FLORA: This food is delish.
UDO: PLEASE PAIMON, YOU MUST HELP FLORA. SHE CAN'T FADE! THE MERE IDEA HAS LEFT ME IN SHAMBLES. THINK OF MY BEAUTY. LOOK AT ME, I LITERALLY HAVE MASCARA RUNNING DOWN MY FACE.
PAIMON: Sure, sure, I'll help! Let me just see if... dinner preparations are ready. Don't go anywhere! And maybe strike yourselves a few times with this meat mallet? I merely suggest.
FLORA: Oh, ok.
UDO: ...wait a minute.
It's $7.95 at amazon, and $7.63 at the book depository . I prefer to buy my books at the Book Depository, not only are they cheaper, but they have FREE worldwide delivery, I love that site!
And here is the author's website.