Tuesday, 15 October 2013

One Thread Pulled: The Dance with Mr. Darcy by Diana J. Oaks

DNF at 60%

Okay, I fully realise this is Austen fanfic, but while a fanfic reader will enjoy a story that goes on nearly forever - the result of the anticipation brought on by having to wait for the next chapter - the same cannot be said for an actual book, I mean this book is about twice the length of Pride & Prejudice...

It's actually well written, and though the characters aren't entirely the ones Austen wrote, they're not wildly out of character either, at the beginning at least, and it's an interesting exploration, but it wastes so much time on the trivial!

Oh, and one thing - Colonel Fitzwilliam stealing Elizabeth's handkerchief so Darcy can have it (since stealing lady's tokens is, like, ~so romantic~) was unbelievably creepy! Yes, Darcy is upset and insists the item be returned, but meanwhile he's all freaky with it, sniffing it and kissing it - okay, it's wasn't quite phrased like that:

Once returned to Elizabeth, the cloth that he had privately worshiped would be held against her face, and she would unwittingly receive the kiss he had secretly bestowed in the folds of white embroidery and lace. The thought pleased him so well that a second and third kiss were impulsively added before he returned it to the table.

So yes, Darcy is the Regency equivalent of those neckbeard panty-sniffers. It was bizarre...


Elizabeth is losing sleep trying to figure out which perv stole her hanky - she suspects Darcy because he (I swear I'm not making this up and it actually makes sense in the plot) had been caught frequently admiring her handkerchief.

This has to be the first time in my life since I first read Pride & Prejudice that I'm thinking, "Maybe... maybe it's better if they don't end up together." Because come on! How freaky is this whole thing?

Imagine you're Elizabeth, for a second, and your sister has a boyfriend who brings one of his dudebros with him EVERYWHERE - and this dude is the worst, rude and creepy, turning his back to the room and staring out of the window ONLY HE IS NOT, he's actually using the window's reflection to observe everyone like a creep. A silent creep.
Then you catch this dude seriously fixated on your handkerchief. Only no one carries one anymore besides old grandpas, so the modern day equivalent... I don't want to say panties, but... And then they go missing. And you spend your night thinking, "Was it that creep? It probably was." And you want it back but let's be real, you'll have to burn it afterwards, who knows what he's done with it, am I right?! 

Then there are some unfortunate turns of phrase, which I just have to share:

She blushed in the dark at how he may have taken it, when followed by her reference to his horse as a lover.

Settle down, it's not funny (I say laughing 'till tears stream down my face) - she only said that because his horse's name was Romeo. But seriously you can't just write this stuff and expect the reader to take your book seriously...

Then again, maybe they're more suited than I thought - he's sniffing her lacy items, she's referring to his dog as her sweetheart and his horse as a lover...

So while Pride & Prejudice has our couple trying to overcome the deficiencies in their respective personalities so they may become better people and then actually appreciate one another... This has them obsessing over stolen lacy items.

Anyway, this went on and on and then drama after drama after drama - only not reasonable drama - fanfic drama, you know, every other page someone is mortally ill confessing their love.

So when Elizabeth turned to Darcy and asked, "Are you an angel?"...

Diana J. Oaks official site

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