Thursday, 18 December 2014

Texts From Jane Eyre (And Other Conversations With Your Favorite Literary Characters) by Mallory Ortberg




Now this was a laugh out loud,  insane as you can get, _and also educational! _ combination of hilarious dialogues between characters of some literary famous masterpieces....and other literary oddities! ;)

For instance, we have some dialogues between Medea and Glauce (Jason's second wife...or better yet, second wife of his harem..since he was still married. The bastard!):

you probably already have a million plans, it’s your wedding
it was just my favorite part of my wedding
(except for the part where I married Jason!!!)
(he is so fun to be married to)
(tell him I say hi!!!)
 

sorry
who is this


So I know we got off on the wrong foot
it’s Medea!! save my number okay

*****************************************************************
Then there's an almost impossible to refuse wedding proposal!
(Gilgamesh is his name, and he has some slight doubts about...Ishtar proposal.)

how about all your other boyfriends
still horribly dead
or turned into wolves?
 

you know what
never mind


i’m just super curious
since you’ve murdered exactly all of them
if maybe you were planning
on doing that to me too


i hope you get eaten by dogs
 

there it is******************************
Then there's Aquilles story...he's a little depressed. Poor guy..also, he could use a dictionary.

*******************************************************************
Talking to one's family is sometimes hard, and Plato knows all about that.
Turns out his brother isn't the sharpest tool in the shed...

************************************************
Circe and Odysseus discuss the probability of going out for dinner, but I am afraid things don't look good:

Circe I’m not coming over for dinner
 

whyyyyy

*********************************************************************
King Lear and his daughters also make an appearence, as does William Blake.
************************************************************
John Donne continues to use the same old pick up line. You know, the one with the flea?

don’t get mad at me
get mad at the flea for making me have sex with so many
people


****************************************************************
Hamlet...OH MY GOD, HAMLET IS THE CUTEST THING EVER!
Except if you're his mother..
Or his uncle!! It sucks to be his uncle...

let me just come in for five minutes so I can vacuum for you
I promise I won’t get in the way of your project
 

DON’T COME IN MY ROOM
 

okay
okay I won’t
I’m sorry honey
Hamlet?
honey?



*****************************************************************
Then we find out why is not advisable to leave Don Quixote all alone in a kitchen o_O

I WILL SLAY THEM ALL

please do not stab my tea kettle


******************************************************************
Then there's Mr. Rochester and Jane Eyre

JANE
JANE I BOUGHT YOU A DRESS MADE OF TEN
THOUSAND PEARLS AS A BRIDAL PRESENT
 

where on earth would I wear that

YOU COULD WEAR IT ON THE MOON
 

that seems impractical
how would i even breathe on the moon?


I WOULD BREATHE FOR YOU MY JANE
JANE WHERE HAVE YOU GONE (..)
************************************************************
There's Sherlock Holmes and Watson dialogues....

Emily Dickinson as well..she really liked her White shawl.
***************************************************
Oliver Twist, and his politeness in face of his hard life.

Lord Byron and his: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, my life!
****************************************************
John Keats who apparently was crazy about URNS.

**************************************************************
I am afraid Jane Fairfax still isn't Emma's favourite person:

One new voicemail from Jane Fairfax
Press 7 to save your message
Press 8 to delete your message
 

88888888888888888

Command not recognized
8

______________________________________*********_____________________________
Mrs Bennett discusses her future with her daughters...at least with the ones she remembers having...

____________________________________******______________________________
Guess who this is!
yes, it is your favourite obsessive southern belle!

ashley
ashley
ashley r u there
ashleyyyyyyyy
(im DRUNK (from brandy))
remember that time we made out in the barn

_______________________________*********____________________________

Then there's Nancy Drew and her juggling semantics:

N: do you think you could come get me? 

    are you tied up again?

 N: i’m just over at the cave by the old mill
   

so you’re tied up

 N: in a cave
you know
near the burned-down orphanage


please just answer the question

 N: you should probably bring some scissors with you
     for the rope?
 


N: there appears to be some rope here, yes
******************************************************************************
We come to realize that the Lorax cares for other things other than trees..like, you know, tampons:
TAMPONS CAN’T EVER TALK
THEY DON’T HAVE MOUTHS
THAT’S WHY I SPEAK FOR THEM

okay
*******************************************************************************
Rebecca

oh my God
that is your SALAD fork
this is the fish course
what is wrong with you
*******************************************************************************
The Hunger GamesAnd Peeta's priority's....

*******************************************************************************
Harry Potter
So...how did Hermione end up with Ron again? o_O

No
No, honey, credit cards aren’t magic

And many, many others...the Wuthering Heights dialogues are particularity good! ;)

god i love you cathy
 
i love you too
i love you so much
god
it hurts how much i love you
 
i love you so much
let’s break each other’s hearts
 
oh my god let’s
i love you so much i’m going to marry edgar
******************************************************************************
And you know what's the wonderful thing about this book?
The fact that even if you are not familiar with some of its characters, or with what is being discussed, there's this wonderful thing called Google that allows you to figure it out!
yay ;)

Author's Official Site

Buy "Texts From Jane Eyre"
@ Bookdepository.com

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