This is one of the funniest things I've read in recent years.
Onto the plot:
John, a basement dwelling weeaboo neckbeard, spends his time on "intellectual pursuits at [his]computer" and cannot spare any more of it, not even for Christmas dinner, which his mother brings down to the basement so he won't have to join the festivities above.
He is adamantly against moving out of his parents' house for, as he puts it, "Pussy-Slasher underscore 1975 is almost forty and he still lives at home", and seeing as he's a "level two hundred paladin" he's a worthy role model.
But more importantly, for Christmas, John got a toaster. And is immediately enamoured by it. Oh, he tries to fight it, but as he says, "that harlot of a toaster just wouldn't quit".
And that was the beginning of a steamy and passionate relationship.
Reminded me a lot of this comic (sorry, I don't know who to attribute credit):
I strongly recommend it.
Buy Taken by the Toaster